How to Avoid Bad First Messages on Dating Apps
Your first message on a dating app can make or break your chances. Avoid common mistakes like lazy greetings ("Hey"), copy-pasted messages, or overly forward comments. Instead, personalize your message by referencing their profile, asking open-ended questions, or keeping it light and fun. For example, mention their hobbies or travel photos to show genuine interest.
Quick Tips:
- Don’t: Use single-word greetings, generic compliments, or too many emojis.
- Do: Personalize your message, ask thoughtful questions, and maintain proper grammar.
A strong first message sets the tone for meaningful conversations and better connections.
Get Her Attention: 5 Tips For Great First Messages On Dating Apps
Writing Better First Messages
Data shows that 57% of Tinder conversations stall after the first message. Want to avoid that? Here are some practical strategies to kick off conversations that actually go somewhere. These tips build on common messaging mistakes and help set the stage for better connections.
Read and Reference Their Profile
Take a moment to really look at their profile - it’s full of conversation starters. Here’s how to turn those details into engaging messages:
| Profile Element | Message Approach | Example Message |
|---|---|---|
| Hobbies & Interests | Ask about the activity | "I see you're into rock climbing. Have you tried the new gym downtown?" |
| Travel Photos | Discuss shared destinations | "Your photos from Italy are amazing! What was your favorite city?" |
| Career/Education | Show genuine curiosity | "As a fellow software developer, what projects are you working on?" |
"Avoid one-word greetings; instead, tailor your message by referencing specific details from their profile".
Questions That Start Conversations
The right questions can turn a boring exchange into something meaningful. Professor Tara Suwinyattichaiporn from California State University, Fullerton emphasizes:
"The more correct information you can obtain from a person, the less you are going to feel apprehensive or anxious around this person."
A great example? Hinge saw a 96% increase in two-way exchanges during adverse weather. Timely, thoughtful questions matter. Focus on open-ended ones that invite detailed responses and show real interest.
Keep it Light and Fun
Here’s a fun fact: women are 40% more likely to reply to food-related messages. On the flip side, a negative tone or bad grammar can hurt your chances - 71% of online daters consider poor grammar a turn-off.
Shan Boodram suggests a winning formula for first messages:
"She found that if you want to elicit admiration, begin interactions by demonstrating warmth and then competence. This order says: I'm nice and here's one of the many ways that I could be additive."
So, keep it warm, keep it fun, and make sure your message leaves them wanting to reply.
Messages That Don't Work
Avoid these common mistakes in your messages to keep your response rate high. While good strategies can spark engagement, these missteps can do the opposite.
Skip the Basic 'Hey'
Starting with a plain "hello" or "hi" doesn't cut it. These generic openers - making up about 80% of first messages - come across as lazy. Erin Carson, Former Senior Writer at CNET, explains:
"The best approach to starting a conversation on a dating app isn't 'hey' or 'hi' or any derivation thereof, unless you're actively trying to get ignored."
Put in a little more thought to stand out.
Don't Rush Into Flirting
Jumping straight into heavy flirting can be a turn-off. Studies show that overly sexual messages or too many compliments early on can seem desperate. Keep it casual and PG-rated at first, allowing any romantic tone to develop naturally as the conversation progresses.
Limit Emojis and Text Speak
While emojis can add personality, overloading your message with them might send the wrong vibe. As Lily points out:
"When it's early in the game, I'd rather get to know someone through their spoken or written word. An emoji is an accessory to a text - not the conversation."
Using too many emojis or relying on text-speak can come across as immature or careless. Stick to well-thought-out messages with proper spelling and grammar, and save emojis for when they truly add value or clarity.
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Build a Profile That Helps Your Messages
A strong profile sets the stage for personalized messaging. Studies show that detailed profiles are 50% more likely to receive likes and meaningful messages.
Add Details Others Can Message About
Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, an eharmony Relationship Expert, shares her advice:
"To write a good dating profile, focus on authenticity, positivity, and clarity. Include a mix of photos that showcase your personality and lifestyle. Be honest about what you're looking for in a relationship. A successful dating profile should give a genuine snapshot of who you are, making it easy for others to see if they share your values and interests."
Make your profile engaging by mentioning:
- Favorite local spots, like restaurants or coffee shops
- Books or shows you're currently into
- Weekend activities you enjoy
- Upcoming events you're looking forward to
- A question to spark conversation
"Don't write what you think people want to hear; write about what matters to you."
Profiles that highlight active hobbies - like cooking, dancing, or gardening - tend to spark more engaging first messages. Alongside your profile details, your photos play a crucial role.
Dating Photo AI: Better Photos for Better Results
Photos make up 85% of the decision-making process when users choose to message someone. Dating Photo AI offers professional-quality dating photos at a fraction of the cost of traditional photoshoots.
| Feature | Traditional Photoshoot | Dating Photo AI |
|---|---|---|
| Cost | $250–$500 | Starting at $39 |
| Number of Photos | 15–20 | 40–unlimited |
| Production Time | One full day | 30 minutes |
| Setting Variety | Limited locations | Various settings |
Professional photos can make you appear 75% more attractive and trustworthy, boosting match rates by 25%. Maya Diamond, a dating coach from the San Francisco Bay Area, highlights the importance of this:
"When you're creating that in a thoughtful and intentional way, it can really help you find the right partner."
Next Steps After Sending Messages
Once you've sent a strong first message, handling follow-ups the right way is key to keeping the conversation going.
When and How to Send a Follow-Up Message
Give it at least 24 hours before following up. Sending another message too quickly can come across as pushy. When you do follow up, keep it casual and reference your previous message. Avoid pressuring the other person for an explanation about their delayed response. As Serial Entrepreneur Kenneth Wan advises:
"When sending a follow-up message, provide context by referring to the previous interaction or conversation. Remind the recipient of the topic or request you discussed earlier. This helps establish relevance and demonstrates that you are continuing a meaningful conversation."
If the matter becomes urgent or the conversation takes a more serious tone, consider switching to a phone call rather than sending multiple texts. This ensures your communication remains meaningful and well-timed.
Knowing When to Move On
It's important to know when to stop. Many experts suggest the "one message follow-up" rule. If you’ve sent your initial message and one follow-up without hearing back after about a week, it’s better to shift your focus to matches who are actively interested.
Nicola Lutz shares this insight:
"Follow up more than you think you should, but add value at each interaction (don't 'sell' each time)."
Prioritize quality over quantity. Spend your time connecting with people who show consistent interest in building a conversation with you.
Conclusion: Start Better Conversations
Starting with a simple "hey" rarely leads to meaningful exchanges. In fact, generic openers fail 90% of the time, and more than half of Tinder chats - 57% - never go beyond the initial message. Instead, crafting a personalized first message can pave the way for stronger connections.
Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, a relationship coach and therapist, highlights the value of this approach:
"This can provoke a deeper level of thought and may be a fun and creative way to get to know the person you matched with. You also may be surprised to find out that you both share a similar outlook and/or unique sense of humor."
Research backs this up. Data from OkCupid shows that messages including phrases like "you mention" or "I noticed that" get better responses. Bumble’s expert, Shan Boodram, agrees:
"At the very least, make it anything but the dreaded, 'Hey.' You wouldn't start a conversation in real life with just one word so it's best to treat messaging someone first on a dating app like flirting with them for the first time."